🪤 Elon Musk is just Taylor Swift for men

Trust me on this one

Hello, please forgive me for what you are about to read. I love you all; I am doing this for you — you have to believe me.

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The other day I read a piece by Sam Kriss, entitled ‘Taylor Swift does not exist’, and I have been pretty much unable to think about anything else since then. Firstly, he is a ferociously skilled writer — he writes how I want to write, so if you’re like, not quite getting your fix from me… just read his stuff instead, I won’t blame you tbh.

Secondly, I agree with Sam; Taylor Swift probably doesn’t exist. But he describes this in a biblical, non-human sort of way, where Taylor Swift is actually Lilith, the first woman who ever existed and refused to fuck Adam, so was cast out and called a demon. Some say she still lives among us, and Sam Kriss is saying, she is Taylor Swift (and that this explains why she never showed her belly button or something).

I always thought that Taylor Swift didn’t exist in a Superman fortress of solitude kind of way, where she spends most of her time in hiding and sends replicas out to concerts and appearances. Anyway, none of this speculation should distract us from the fact that she is the most powerful woman on Earth.

But, we should not fear her. It’s the Swifties we should be afraid of. Their violent passion for her goes way beyond predictable teenage obsession and desperate consumerist behaviours; I wouldn’t even say that they are a cult or a movement. They are their own thing; it’s kind of undefinable. They are savvy, organised, and terrifying — and all of that energy is focussed on one thing: ensuring that Taylor Swift persists as the most powerful woman in the world. I’m pretty sure it’s not even about the music anymore. It’s just about getting the most streams, and selling out every venue. They do not want her to be president, because that is beneath her. Her powers (and by extension, their powers) transcend politics. I fully believe that Swifties will start and maintain huge infrastructure projects in the future. They will build bridges to cut travel time to concerts; they will declare broadband a utility thus making it faster and more affordable — so that you can stream Taylor’s music, shows, and appearances at even higher quality.

But what does this mean for us right now? Well, as you may have noticed, aging millennials have no where to hang out online anymore. Social media platforms have succumb to horrific decay and we are all lost, sad, and alone. But of course when you get right down to it, platforms are irrelevant, and it’s all about the communities and fandoms that use them. And Swifties represent the deepest, most far-reaching fandom that exists right now. They are probably the strongest and most resilient social network out there, because they are entirely decentralised and self-organising. Completely by accident, they have created the one thing that activist groups, civic tech think tanks, and dumb fuck writers such as myself have been absolutely begging for these past few years: a social network which is governed by its users, and directly benefits them.

Are you jealous? It’s okay, you don’t have to become a Taylor Swift fan to enter the Swiftie Network. It will just happen; the network will encapsulate the internet, because it’s the only one robust enough to last through this horror show.

In this way, Swifties are very similar to Elon Musk fanboys (Muskies?). Swifties worship a sexless underwhelming popstar, and Muskies worship a sexless stodgy billionaire. Don’t get me wrong, Muskies are definitely a million percent worse, but it’s the same basic framework — and both fanbases congregate on a social network that is completely centred around one person.

So, obviously this is why the main Elon Musk fan site (the platform currently known only as X) is frothing with hateful astringent bile. The platform is only as good as its most active users. Every time Musk does something idiotic or unforgivable, someone in my circle of associates says ‘now THIS is what will finally kill Twitter’, and I think, is it though?? Aren’t we just underestimating the power of the people who absolutely love what’s happening right now, and cannot wait to die in a flaming Tesla for this man?

I think many of us also forget the people who are not Muskies, and yet never actually left the platform. I’m talking about football commentators, film critics, and anyone else talking about things that somehow do not relate to tech (lol… boring). For them, Twitter is largely unchanged, and someone recently even mentioned to me that they’d seen it improve since Musk took over. But for me, and many others like me, everyone in my network who was worth following abandoned the platform and never looked back. The site now appears a lot from my perspective because my network evaporated over night. I probably would have stayed if everyone else did?? I’m just a fickle internet user.

Elon Musk is absolutely, without a doubt, fucking the platform to shreds, but it really didn’t help when everyone just up and LEFT because of their PRINCIPLES. Come on, everyone. This is why, personally, I cannot wait to become a Swiftie. They stick together. They support each other through hardship. When Taylor Swift’s body is finally cryogenically frozen, the fandom’s awesome influence will persist through humanity, long after anyone even remembers who Taylor Swift was. The word ‘Swiftie’ will become synonymous with ‘citizen’, and we will all finally be free of suffering.