I just spent hours setting up an automated messaging system. It replies to all my messages with inoffensive pleasantries so I can focus on the important things. The only people who message me are my two best friends: Greg from work, and Skippy, an AI I set up to monitor Greg’s income and alert me if he ever reaches a salary that surpasses mine. And IF that should ever happen (although I doubt it, poor sweet Greg), Skippy will ruin his life: dick pics to the boss, divorce papers to the wife, armed police sent to the house, that sort of thing. This is why automation is great, you can really save time and relax.
Example: Greg just asked me if I want to hang out after work; Skippy messaged back ‘sorry bud too busy working on side projects — how about next week?’ with no oversight from me. With any luck I will remain best friends with Greg without ever having to interact with him again. I need to focus on preserving my cognitive function for more automating. I just spent eight thousand dollars, 700k tokens, and sixteen months on replacing my kitchen with a food dispenser. No meals, just specially formulated protein pucks delivered straight into my mouth every 3-4 hours depending on my mood and energy output.
I have strong insatiable desires to go faster all the time. In fact, the rest of the world is painfully slow now. I get in my car in the morning and scream at the microphone which sits in place of the steering wheel (the car is voice operated leaving my hands free to solve a 4x4 Rubik’s cube while I travel). HURRY UP, I yell in Mandarin, which is a language I am currently learning, YOU’RE WASTING PRECIOUS SECONDS, I HAVE TO GET TO WORK BEFORE GREG DOES. If the car doesn’t anticipate my needs down to the microsecond, I may as well go and live in a cave and eat mud. Have you ever had to wait for something? Waiting is a curse; it’s a lobotomy via idling. I see everyone at work gawking at their phones, WAITING for lunch, WAITING for the day to end, WAITING to die. What are they doing? Laughing at videos of baby goats. Do you know how much energy you waste by laughing? The average human expends enough laughing-energy a year to simultaneously flush forty toilets. That’s ridiculous, which is why I haven’t laughed in six months.
What my colleagues are doing should be considered gooning; intellectual gooning. Multiple screens; no satisfaction. Don’t they know that instead of doing hours of menial tasks — watching TV is a menial task FYI — they could be spending days, weeks, months working on automation projects that will save HOURS of time? Everything takes too long, far too long! I can practically see the general public decaying before my eyes; going through a horrible waking death; becoming stagnant and rotten. Don’t they have any principles? Don’t they care about pleasure? What about orgasms? It’s minutes, maybe even hours, of tedious activity to be rewarded with just a few seconds of feeling good — if you’re lucky. This is the biggest waste of time at all. Why delay gratification? Literally why?
I’ll quit my job (well, they asked me to leave, they really didn’t enjoy my automated Slack replies, automated slide presentations, or automated away days) and dedicate my life to solving the automated orgasm. The Autogasm. No chit chat, just pleasure sent straight to your genitals at the press of a button. Very affordable subscription fee. Sign up now! Don’t you want to automate your orgasms? Do it now! No exchanging numbers, no texting, no flirting — no problem.